No Trojan Horse...

... just plain waterpolo.
We beat USC!!! this season's unbeaten number one :) Now that makes for a good feeling (adrenaline is the best painkiller!) So yeah, we almost gave it away in the end, but we never trailed and things just worked.. wel most things, I mean, I needed to yell at some people of course, but that is my job.
Now we are playing MPSF finals and, where yesterday we were merely at an advantage to go to the NCAA's, we are now guaranteed to go.
I got a nice sunburn/tan in the process.. I have my cap engraved on the side of my face (aint I lucky) and then I didn't even start you on the suit.
Iris is coming in two weeks.. is it two weeks?!?! oh lord! YAY!
All I ahve to do is somewhere in between all this, is take exams. Then everyhting will actually be fine.

I'm reading the Giver by Lois Lowry, childrens literature and it is really good! (it is part of our final so it is always nice to know that the final for my english writing intensive class will interest me.. I'm curious what the assignment will be.)

Right now I'm very ready for bed, so I'll read some more and then pass out!
Sleepwell

Music: The classical music playing in the Hall
Quote: "I've got everything together, I just don't know where I put it."

Do you want a Goalie??

So it seems to become a bad habit forgetting to press publish.. or press save instead of publish.. whatever..

So we are on the road again... Sunday was another awesome day, went to do nothing, had lunch with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while, then went to get a massgae as the guy who usually works with the swimmers was free because the swimming season is over.. It nearly passed me out, I was some kind of unconciouslyu concious. It was r it really remindeeally good! after that I was a bit light headed so I hang out a while before I went off to meet some friends to watch V for Vendetta.
Cycling was fine but walking seemed a bit complicated, I'm sure I looked rather drunk, I hit quite a few walls and a bin which I really thought I was going around ;)
The movie was good, in a wierd way. It really left you wowed, but it really reminded me of hitlers regime, but then it also had this otherworldly touch to it that made it, well I'm not sure, maybe you should go see for yourself.

When we left for Irvine I was late and tild amy I would be. so when we got there and the bus was not in front of the pool anymore I thought they were just trying to make a point, but no, they really had left. I mean I know it is a chaos when we go anywhere with our team, but that doesnlt mean they need to go forget me. NEway, I walked into the office which I found to be open and our teammmanager who was going to come later was there and called coralie, our assistant coach: Do you want a Goalie??
It took a couple of seconds for them to break into a panic, and well deserved! they had checked and asked if we were complete a couple of times. Maybe I should just start making more noise. So yeah, Margi drove me to the airport and it was no big deal beacause we always leave way too soon, but it caused me plenty stress! (that sounded like bad african english!)

Now we are at UC Irvine and have to win tomorrow to go to the NCAA's. I donlt think I'd mind losing too much because that would mean the end of the season and my body is pretty ready for that, but then, I hate losing, so we betgter win! I'm sitting in the lobby because there is no internet in our rooms! that's pretty sucky!! NEway, mauge I'm just spoiled! and maybe that wil make me study more.. although I doubt it.

Music: Nickelback, If Everyone Cared
Quote: "It's never just a game when you're winning." -George Carlin

Spring Cleaning?!

So after practice this morning and trying to avoid balls or deciding how I was going to block them without being in too much pain, I went back to bed. I wasn't even tired but I just didn't want to do anything else. So I slept. Heard Amy come in, slept some more and then got up trying to motivate myself to actually do something. Tough luck.
When I finally had the idea of maybe cycling to Ala Moana and do some necesary shopping, and was sitting on my bed looking at the wind in the trees and thinking I really did not want to do this, Amy started cleaning up. Now I had already gone through a couple of my drawers before the last road trip, but this was insain. I can now rest both my arms on my desk while I am typing, and I can see the floor, which obviously needs vacuuming. We did washing overnight, and I packed for tuesday while I was putting that away. So Whoa! That was good. And I'm glad I became producefull after all! Now I can peacefully start studying for finals... Sort of...

I got into this really cool class on the psychology of the self, which had a major restriction, professor aproval, and only 15 spots, but after having a meeting with him he decided I was welcome! SCORE!!!
The rest is not so fortunate because, because of all the travelling, I missed my early registration for the other PSY classes so I have to be lucky and hope they are not full, otherwise I have to reorganise my schedule badly! So cross your fingers for me!

We were going to hang out outside at the Jack Johnson concert, but as we left it started pouring so bad that within seconds we were saturated and turned back. Will be going to see TsoTsi tonight though and prolly, American style, get a subway for dinner...

At least I feel refreshed now!

TsoTsi was a very intense movie. Defenitely recommend seeing though I feel it could have been worse for the apartheid that seemed conveniently avoided. Very beautifull though!

Music: A Sorta Fairytale, Tori Amos
Quote: "Some people make headlines while others make history." -Philip Elmer-DeWitt

Defence!!!

looks like I forgot to press publish: I was wondering why people kept asking me how the road trip was!!

My Word!
I am not even angry about it, just severely disappointed! We had a decent game against LMU, the best part was our being in conrtroll, partly due to Coralie calling a time out and telling us to play the clock. I think Mich would have been too stressed out by that time(he was sitting on the side because he got red carded at our last home game) so we actualy managed to play it out. I donlt think we ever were this much in controll.
USC was dramatic! They knew exactly where to get us: past the goalie onto the blokkers; that were not there... I was on a roll, but if everyone can make passes even when you think your players have them covered, there is little you can do. Some people don't seem to realise waterpolo is a team sport and that defence is as important, if not more, as offence. *zucht* (and no I'm not saying that I would have saved the day if the defense had been good, but the way I felt, it could have been a lot better! Well maybe I am saying that.. yeah!)

Hanging out over at someone's place today there was a guitar available. That gave me some sanity :)
Nice lyrics!:
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredicatble..

Okay anyway.. tomorrow two more games. we better put them away or I will be severly pissed off and unapproachable. I do still feel like I might lecture our team on it.. what about defence. But it might be a bit late for this season, maybe I can convince Mich for next semester... wish me luck ;)

Otherwise I really need to read.. (seems to become a common theme of my postings) sexual psychology :( so boring, I'm sure if I do that now, I will pass out.. maybe that is a good idea. Wait till Nikki goes to see her california freinds...

So for the update: I survived my psy exam, I think.. except the labeling of the male organs.. they were giving me some trouble.. Is that evolutionally determined too?!?! typical!
We won the last two games, not as easy as we should have but it wasnlt half bad. And now we are ranked 4th in the nation again?? hmm
Can't wait for summer, when I finally get to read my own books again, and I cannot wait for Iris to come over (am I repeating myself??)
We flew home easter sunday and I donlt think easter ever went by so unnoticed for me. That felt all wrong! I did get some studying done, and the night before went to see lucky number slevin with Mich and Jen after having dinner.. that was a surprisingly good movie, I had not expected that! Most people went to Disneyland but I just didn't have the energy, and as an after thought, probably not the knees for it.
So yeah.. I still belong to the land of the living!!

Music: Janis Ian, Bright lights and Promises
Quote: "Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality." - George Santayana

Today is a Gift...

...that is why it is called the present.
Had a really good dinner with the "boys" yesterday. And boys will be boys because we ended up eating crêpes while watching the most silly videos. Choice of the night was this one though: German Coastguard Commercial what was he thinking!! Good to see them alll again, life simply seems too busy to be social, and that just really S*CKS.

Tomorrow we leave for the mainland again. Some important games coming up! Meanwhile I'm reading my ass off! I think I'm learning speedreading! :) I wish I could do that with purely factual texts too! I think if I ever wanted to double major here, English would have been rather cool too! I simply just love reading and yeah laugh: writing papers and research essays! (am half tempted to bring a book for fun on the road, but am afraid I will not get to my class reading at all, maybe just wait till summer)

Looking into classes for next semester I come to realise that when I am finally here for the whole semester, the class I most wanted to take is during practice hours! Arghghg!! I hope he will teach it again next semester. It is a class I can count to my psych degree but is Writing Intensive, tought once a week, and looks like I could spend all my week on it :)

Randomly took a picture of a guy sitting in front of our dorm today. Couldn't help myself, but he just had this charcater that I wanted to draw.. sometime. So I asked if it was okay. Ends up he's an artist himself (shoulda guessed by the look of him) and exchanged e-mail adresses/sites. Hope to see him again sometime. Lots to talk about!

Got back into guitar playing mode! Feels great and all of a sudden things clicked. So now I manage road trippin, letting the cables weep, californiactaion (Joost I think we should try that together sometime!) and I feel like playing loads now. I hope amy doesnlt get fed up with hearing the same stuff over and over again. At least I'm improving ;)

Music: Acda &de Munnik: Niet of Nooit Geweest

Update

Apart from having practice for three hours straight this morning I think I dind't do anything usefull. I ate Banana's.. a craving? well better then cookies I reckon (which I also ate)! Tried to sleep, as I was too tired to do anything else.. tried to read, had a painkiller, drank two litres of water.. yeah I told you I wasn't very producefull today.. so trying to remedy that I am updateing you folks.

I'm currently seemingly functioning! I mean I'm sore, but not so sore it bothers me in workouts.. well, barely anyways. And that is good because we are flying to the mainland this tuesday. Looking at my calendar all I can do is panick as there is so little school left and so much to do and really all I will be doing is travelling.

Speaking of travelling, this summer will be interesting! I'm spending some extra time here with Iris!! YES! Can't wait girl! (better organise myself) and then I'll be home for almost a month, and then Kezia is comign over and we are going to Paris! (I'm actually havign a holiday) And funny enough I'm sorta excited about working too! I finally have time to be normal.. LOL if that was ever an option!

Okay, I really have to read my way through a sexual psych book.. which I always start with too late, and it is not even that bad to read! Also I really want to start taking stuff out of my room before the neccesary deadline, but well.. Like Amy says.. you're such a packrat! *hinting to you folks that it will take a while.. * All those cardboard boxes will come in handy though!

And typing this I'm having all these random ideas about India, Cloning and Pathogens, and the Ouroborus, but for now I'll leave you all at peace. I think now that I'm capable of movement I might try another hand at my drawing.. maybe I'll finish it someday! -Abiding Storm- I was planning on drawing Storm someday, but never thought it would come out like this (same technique as freedom/ Wind and the Earth picture. Someday... It almost looks like a series!

Music: Bush, Letting the Cables Sleep & RHCP, Road Trippin'
Quote: "Is a door merely a presence of space or an absence of wall?" Steven Curry

-->Showing Off<--

Sometimes it is really easy to think yourself adequate or even good at things. And it is of course always nice to hear people say they admire what you do. But really, what is the point of being good or having talent for something if you don't do it or if no one can ever see?
Sure playing an instrument, making art or working out are ways of relaxation. But it adds additional value if those skills are shared. It is a way of touching others feelings, of bringing out emotions and for that, right: they need to be shown off.
Our society prescribes that showing off is something you do not do. And if you do you will be noticed for it. We do show off though, but on societies terms of when and how so it is essentially covered up: Art can be online, people can comment on it and browse through it, and possibly buy. When art is put in books it is for the purpose of selling and is not showing off anymore, it is a form of making a living. Playing music can be to entertain at social gatherings and playing sports can also be a job or a token of pride at defending your country's honour in a competition. WE do not choose to display, but are displayed. But all we really do is show off.
The trouble with really showing off though is that it is not safe. The general crowd, usually forgives imprefection (except maybe in sports). When showing off intentionally and fully concious you're inviting people to judge you, to look for mistakes and to hold you up to a certain standard. You're inviting people to experience negative emotions like dislike fear and rejection towards you or what you create. And that is scary!
It seems to represent the line we need to cross into professioanlism. Acquire the courage to be criticised and being good enough for it not to hurt your reputation.

Out of context: The athlete ball didnlt do much for me, they made a nice video of all the teams, that was nice, but it was definitely a night I could have better spent.. polaying guitar with Kezia, finishing my drawing or reading a book (WOW I sound geeky) And some nights are just not for feeling pretty.. so there.
For those who wanted to know and I didn't tel yet: I did play against UCLA (and my leg still seems attached to my body), had quite a nice game, we all did.. except that no one really got a break, and by the 4th quarter the bench was cold and the rest tired and we lost. We did well though, just not well enough!

Music: Benny Goodman or the Orwell Sisters, Bei Mir bist Du Schon (schein)
Quote: "Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd."
-Edith Sitwell

(My) Psychology on Fantasy

Why do we fantasize? why do we dream, write, make art, dance, express ourselves? why do we assign fantasies to a different world? A world we can escape to? And why do we go there, for love? Hope?

The only reason we seem to enter this different reality is because we can find there what we lack in this one. That other world where we can have free range, where anything that is socially inacceptable in this world can come to life, where no-one judges, where one can be as outrageous as one likes, we often bring into this word through forms of self-expression.

Brought into this life, this reality, all those things that were once un-judged get thrown to the lions.. kijken wattie doet! First reactions are likely to be fear and resistance. It may be be attacked, banned, ridiculed even. It is only when other brave souls recognise, accept and speak out for it that the rest of the world will start showing some acceptance, to admit that maybe, they share these interests, and that really, it is inspiring to them.

It seems we have a division in society. Those that dare to dream (silently, or out loud) and those that don't, and discard dreams as being irrational, impossible, unattainable and a waste of time (hard work gets you places, day dreaming does not). The first group will be the creators: artists, dancers, musicians, fashion designers, (athletes?.) The second group would be those that push off, resist or maybe, secretly admire.

When the dreams come out, in art, music or whatnot.. they can be vehemently criticised. Not everyone's dreams are the same, and not everyone is ready for the changes others' dreams can bring on. It is a challenge, a dare to the world. Those that admire the dreams of another might still criticise them out of spite or jealousy at having taken the liberty to dream.

Dreaming is in a sense making the unconscious conscious. And not just to oneself but also to the rest of the world, giving them the opportunity to dream along, if they dare. If no brave soul stands up for another's dream, it is lost. Either to the back of peoples minds, waiting for an appropriate time to come out or, back into the world where it came from...

And maybe it is good that not all dreams are instantly accepted. It makes them more powerful, and it makes them evolve. And what if all the dreams made it into the world? What if everything was attainable? What would there be left for us to dream for, to imagine, to hope?

and where would I go when I am fed up with this world??

Quote: "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistant one." -Albert Einstein
Music: Moonlight Sonata, Bach